This Week Broke Me a Bit, Not Gonna Lie

This week has been one of those weeks where everything piles up at once, and you start wondering how anyone is supposed to function in this world without losing their mind.

Work has been chaos. Customers keep walking in literally five minutes before closing, like they’re allergic to respecting opening hours. And every time that happens, it means I’m finishing later, getting home later, and having less time to decompress. It’s such a small thing on paper, but when you’re autistic and already running low on energy, those little disruptions hit like a brick.

By mid‑week I could feel the burnout creeping in — that heavy, foggy, “I’m running on fumes” feeling where everything is just too much. And of course, that’s exactly when the Tesco Mobile disaster started.

Their website broke when I tried to order a phone. Fine. Annoying, but fine.

So I rang them. They processed everything… only to realise their system was down. So I had to repeat everything I’d already done online. And because of that, I missed the next‑day delivery window.

Which meant swapping shifts. Which meant taking a shift I didn’t want. Which meant losing money. All for a delivery that never even happened.

Then DPD said the address was incomplete. Tesco Mobile said it was correct. DPD blamed Tesco. Tesco blamed DPD. I didn’t care whose fault it was — I just needed someone to fix it.

They said they “updated the system,” but there was no evidence of anything being updated. And surprise surprise, the next delivery attempt failed. The driver even took a photo of a completely different block of flats and claimed no one was home. Not even my building. Just… some random flats nearby.

At that point I was done. Burnt out. Overloaded. Fed up with being the only one taking anything seriously.

Tesco Mobile customer service gave me nothing but empty apologies and “there’s nothing we can do.” I had to chase them for every scrap of information. No confirmation emails, no clarity, nothing. Just stress layered on stress.

So I did the one thing I could control: I used my 14‑day cooling‑off rights — the one bit of consumer protection you actually get when you buy something online. If the company messes you around, if the service isn’t delivered, if the whole thing becomes a circus, you can legally walk away with no fees, no penalties, no arguments. And that’s exactly what I did. I cancelled the whole contract and exercised my rights because nobody else involved seemed capable of doing their job.

And then — here’s the kicker — O2 sorted me out in under an hour. Uncancelled my old contract. Processed everything properly. Got me a new phone. Done.

It’s wild how one company can make you feel like you’re asking for the moon, and another can just… do their job.

Now everything’s finally settling. My new phone is set up. My old phone is wiped and ready to sell. Once the refund hits my account and the cancellation email arrives, I can finally breathe again and try to feel like myself.

Some weeks just take more out of you than others. This one took the lot.

Broken Windows er... dreams

In my dream, I was setting  customers down, and clearing table, it was a typical day at work, then after the shift I went home.

As soon as I entered the flat, I went to check my mail and noticed some white label stickers on a roll and I was wondering if I should take one, as I could use it to label up my plugs that are in use. I decided against it and carried on going up the stairs.

In my flat I was horrified to find my flat windows was rattling and broken because of a heavy wind, but what shocked me was I knew I had not open the windows and there where locked. So it should not have been possible for them to break, but they there are! Broken and the wind just ripping though it. I tried to close to windows, but my greatest fear that the landlord would make me pay for it.

I knew this was unfounded nightmare, as I know that natural disaster causing damage to the property would fall on the landlord, specially if I've done everything to keep the building in good standing.

Free from desire

I don't seek fame nor fortune. I care not for wealth or power. I seek only that, that should be a given right to all on this blue marble.

I desire freedom, I desire a place I can truly call home, I desire financial stability and above all else the desire to be myself.

But we are not free, we do not have basic amenities, nor do we have the freedom to be ourselves. What we do have is 99% wealth hoarded by the top 1%. Rent that costs so much that it would be cheaper to get a mortgage and own our own homes, but we don't make enough money to get a mortgage despite keeping on top of rent payments every month.

We are free to say and think what we want as long as the government agrees with it. We are free to have a roof over our heads as long as the landlords agree with it. We are free to own our own stuff as long as the manufacturers agree with it.

Are we truly free?

Nightmare of the endless tower

Let me tell you a story about a nightmare that I had as a child, a nightmare that was recurring, a nightmare that ended when I faced my fear. I recall this dream, this nightmare this memory with such clarity, with such details, with such lucency and this story I will tell you now.

It was a dark night with a full moon casting a silhouette of a dead tree atop a hill with and medieval tower. The tower had an old English oak door with a rusted drop handle. As I approach the door I feel my heart racing, it felt like my heart was about to burst though my chest. But I carry on, towards the tower in the dark and slowly open the door with such a creek and screech that it caused bats to fly away in fear of the tower.

As I enter the tower, I see a spiral staircase made of stone around the wall with no windows and no banister. Peering down the side I see nothing but the void a black vast empty nothing. So, I walk down the spiral stairs to see where it would lead. And after awhile I noticed that I still couldn’t see into the void. I also noticed that the stairs in front of me see to go on for ever but could not see more than a few steps at a time. Looking behind me the stars was also disappearing in the black void of nothingness.

In my panic, I started to walk back up the stairs, to find the stairs that was once in the void of black nothingness appearing as if it was always there. As I panicked as my heart started to race and as my mind raced with such dread, I ran and ran and ran up the stairs as fast as I can. I kept on running and running and running, but I noticed I should have seen the door leading out on to the moonlit hill again, but there was no door, no hope, trapped and scared. I woke up in fear.

This nightmare went on every night for about 3 months, only slight changes happened as I try to gain control of my dreams. In the end, inside the tower, I jumped into the void, fearing a bottomless pit, a never-ending fall, I braced for the worse and so I fell and I fell, and I fell. Then I landed as if I only just jumped down a few steps, but it was clear that I had been falling for some time.

I looked around this new room, a room with an old log fire burning away, a sofa chair with an old man sat in front of the fire, with his back to me. Yet I could sense that he knows I was there, just sat there waiting for me to come to him. I looked around the room I could see different rooms, but one room I noticed was my bedroom of where I use to live, but it was twisted as if it was at a different angle to what I was at. I was scared and even though the old man was no looking at me, I could feel that he was watching everything I was doing. I forced myself awake and this was again repeated for a while until one day…

Back again in the room, this time I decided to go towards the old man sat on the sofa chair in front of the log fire. And sat on the floor next to him. It was then he spoke to me, it was then I was awake in my own bed and to this day I do not remember what that old man said to me. But what ever he said to me, broke the cycle of the recurring nightmare. A nightmare so recurring that I could not forget it, even now to this day, a nightmare that I had when I was only 13 years old. That was over 30 years ago now and still today I can recall this nightmare with such details as if I had only experienced it a few days ago.

Sweet Dreams or Terrible Nightmare

 So I had a dream about my ex, which I've not had in a while.

In this dream I was on the toilet and my ex was there with her tits out getting angry at me for looking, I told her I've seen them before and why is it now its bothering you. And she said its because we are no longer together and I said but I've still seen them, so it doesn't matter.

Her new boyfriend who was obese stepped in and for a second I thought my ex titis have disappeared before I realised it was just her new boyfriend that was in between us, joking and laughing.

I wounder if its because I saw a clip on the internet of two and half men with a similar but different scene.

Also I've got a loan out for £1,000 and used it to buy a new computer which is arriving in a few days.  I brought a computer desk and chair also, and the living room in my flat is starting to look like my home. Just need to work on my bedroom now, then after that, looking at decluttering the flat.

Is it the wine?

 I don't know if its the bottle of wine or that I have some plan for the flat, or that I have a lot of stuff in my flat that I need. I don't know but for what ever the reason, I'm in a good mood.

No idea why

 Sometimes I feel like I want to cry and I have no idea why.